Tuesday, September 7, 2010

How To Drive Like You Just Had A Lobotomy

So it's occurred to me that probably half of the population with a driver's license should've never been given one in the first place. So if you and a friend are standing in the same room and you know how to drive, that means your friends a moron and shouldn't be on the road. If you're a good friend you should probably sneak into their wallet and steal their license. It's for their own good really. I couldn't possibly remember every instance where I felt like I was driving next to, in front of, or behind someone who just had a lobotomy, but there are certainly instances that crop up regularly. If you fall under any of these categories, you should probably carpool or call a cab.

How To Drive Like You Just Had A Lobotomy:

1. Drive in the wrong lane. Go 50 in the far left lane and 95 in the far right lane. It'll be rad and everyone will love you. Do it.

2. Tailgate. It's an awesome idea. Only 40% of car accidents are caused by tailgating, so you'll probably be ok. Not only that, but tailgating will probably cause you to get where you're going quicker! Good call!

3. Bobbing and weaving during RUSH HOUR deadlocked traffic. Once again, this will most likely get you where you're going way faster! You only have to swerve in front of 3 people almost causing many car pile ups to get one car length in front of me, and everyone will think you're a raging douchebag! Cool!

4. Be an overly passive driver. We all have that friend... ugh... you know who I'm talking about. She (yes I said she, eat it, 99% of these people are women), ahem, she drives like everyone on the road left the house today just to get into a car accident with her. You'll never make a left hand turn out of anywhere and it's probably going to take twice as long to get where ever you're going. You'll go 20 miles under the speed limit the whole time. Not only that, but because she's so frightened, she's more likely to get into a car accident. Have a good day out- remember to drive next time! (Sorry ladies, but 4 out of 5 of the women I know drive like this- I still think you're beautiful and rad, but please grow some balls).

Which brings me to....

5. Be an overly aggressive driver. Now this is the 99% male category plus me when I was like 16. Let's go 100mph over the speed limit and cut everyone off on the way! Let's do donuts on a one lane mountain road with no guard rail- what a rush! In fact... let's do donuts where ever we damn well please! How about compacted ice on a parking lot next to a busy road in the winter? Shit, forgot to take a left back there? Bring this bitch up over the lane divider, we're in a truck anyway!

6. Completely suck balls at merging. I'm throwing this in just for my sister Sarah, who complains about this constantly (though she's right and it's hilarious). When our father taught us both how to drive, one thing he taught us was you DON'T SLOW DOWN WHILE YOU'RE MERGING. That is unless you're literally about to slam into someone. We're getting on the freeway folks, we're going from 30 to 60- does slowing down sound like a great plan? And today my friends, I am going to teach you the proper way to merge because apparently no one knows except Sarah and I. Think of a zipper. The teeth intertwine from each side, one then one then one then one. One from the left, then one from the right, one from the left, then one from the right... if you're aren't paying attention and miss your zipper tooth, you have effed this business up. Merging. Figure it out or my sister is going to go postal on the freeway sometime soon and she may potentially run you into a wall. We all have those days.

7. Drive like you don't know what a parking lot is for. Now I'm not too brutal about this, if the lanes are god awful long and you need to cut over, by all means do so- just DON'T do it so quickly that you cut off someone that is actually following the grid lines. Don't go 50 mph through the fucking parking lot like some woman did today- she almost slammed into me and then gave ME a dirty look. Sorry I got in the way of you flying down the parking lot corridor, woops! Don't drive too slow in the parking lot either. We don't need to go five mph and I may purposefully rear end you if you don't move bitch, and get out my way. Try to line your car up with the parking lot grids when you do finally park. Good lord is there anything worse than being in a crammed parking lot and having to smoosh your car into a spot where the morons on both sides are going to parked on top of you? Fun fun fun! Now this one is going to be hard to explain in words maybe... if I'm pulling out of my spot and you want my spot, DO NOT pull right up on my business before I'm even out to ensure no one else takes said spot. Now I can't move without backing out further than necessary and I want to slam into your car a little bit on accident.

8. Flip off EVERYONE that pisses you off. Whew! Nothing like gettin' the ole blood pressure up, is there? And you know when you flip someone off, you automatically win and they know it.

Perhaps you think who am I to judge? Well this woman has never caused an accident in her life, and let's just say I'm not opposed to speeding and talking on my phone. I mean, I do have cat like reflexes and mad skills, but a lot of it is I try to avoid being retarded when I can. You can avoid being retarded too and we'll all live in an I-five utoptia!

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